THE GREAT ULTRA-SEXY: BARCELONA'S DREAM TEAM GETS ITS MANAGER

           

THE 

GREAT

ULTRA-SEXY:

BARCELONA'S 

DREAM TEAM

GETS ITS MANAGER

by LONN PHILLIPS SULLIVAN

               For the first time in nearly three seasons, we feel excited about Barcelona's present and their future...but it was like pulling teeth to finally get here.
               For 3 long years, we wrote time and time again about what was wrong about Barcelona, why they looked utterly bored, why they seemed out of touch, how they could "perform" with such a shocking lethargy, and how it always came down to Lionel Messi rescuing a disastrous collective performance.
              We described the inferior management and ineptitude of the interminable Ernesto Valverde as he was hired, then we closely followed on baited breath as he forged forward in his scorched earth quest to sink Barcelona to their lowest depths as a club since the time of General Franco.
              There was Rome, there was Anfield, there was the Copa Del Rey Final capitulation where Lionel Messi looked like throwing in the towel for the first time in his career....after one of those
situations and the manner in
which they occurred should've
seen Ernesto Valverde kicked
to the curb...but instead the
illness within festered and two slovenly, disgraceful displays
vs Slavia Prague
(who outplayed, out-passed, out-possessed and out-shot Barcelona at the Camp Nou and in the Czech Republic)....but more than these benchmark defeats and cursed disappointments, there was an obvious day to day malaise within the Barca squad which devolved into a rotten sickness that made those who loved Barca, those who loved Lionel Messi and those who loved football turn away in disgust at the hideous sight.
                 The star men became drunk on their own power, favoring tennis tournaments and marketing responsibilities over actual matches (Pique), refusing to acknowledge or even trust certain players with the ball (Suarez and Messi), worrying more about their own personal statistics than the team itself (Alba), paranoid factions of distrusting teammates were allowed to run the show...all of this while the silent disease that was Ernesto Valverde sat back and watched the ship sinking, lighting a cigar with a burning wad of cash and cackling in the dead of night at his creation.
                 Survival from the Champions League Group of Death did nothing to bolster the team as a unit, with countless injuries from Valverde's mismanagement or non-rotation and a litany of disheartened, disenfranchised La Masia products (most of whom are currently at other clubs) forming the establishment of a frustrated squad.
                Barcelona entertained no one, satisfied even less regardless of the scoreline or however many goals individuals scored, annoyed and frustrated us all, but most of all: Valverde's Barcelona embarrassed us....he humiliated Messi in front of the entire world for 3 years.
                The world witnessed Messi's legendary greatness every match while the team, led by their slapstick manager, gave him nothing...and instead of the obvious identification of this catch-22, the pressure on Messi's value as a sporting icon was ridiculously put up to debate.
                 Valverde damaged this club, and we thought under Bartomeu's eternally psychotic board, he would never leave until Barca were left in tatters, with anyone and everyone related to the club pushed away by the greed, instability, and overall failure to uphold any of the values Barca is supposed to stand for: we went from More Than a Club to Less Than a Corporation...and it seemed Bartomeu's reign as Barca president would always be remembered for greed-stained folly, the butt-chinned businessman latched on to the vampire of the century...never doing right by the club.
                Suddenly in a miraculous turn of events, during and after the 3-2 slopfest defeat vs Atletico Madrid in the exhibition Supercopa match, Valverde finally made two horrendous mistakes that cost him the job he could never lose:
                After 3 seasons of blaming results on individual players, Ernie finally put the blame on the wrong player: accusing Frenkie De Jong and his professional goal-saving
foul / second yellow card for the loss.
              As we're used to with Valverde, his reign of terror knows no bounds as he started an
already-hurt Luis Suarez in such
an unnecessary game, knocking Barcelona's leading goalscorer
and assistman out until early May, effectively curtailing his 19/20 campaign and angering Messi to no end in the process.
                These two decisions finally drove Lionel Messi and the rest of the squad over the hill. No matter what's been reported, this board would never fire Ernesto Valverde on their own accord: they had to be forced....and once Frenkie De Jong and Lionel Messi led the silent mutiny against this brutish little thug, the board had to act.
                 On Monday January 13th, while my LSU Tigers were preparing to win a national championship against Clemson, in Spain something was brewing:
                  After days of back and forth insanity and beyond mismanaged PR, Barcelona called Valverde's agent, paid the man an outrageous sum of money to get in his car and drive off, and finally sacked Ernesto Valverde, freeing Barca's legions of supporters from the vain disgust of this horrible little bastard, and not only that, they went for the hearts and minds of the fans as fast as they could:
                 They went straight to Xavi....but even Xavi wouldn't work for the same board that castigated and destroyed Victor Valdez only a week into his position with the youth team.
                   Then, as if they were reading our minds, they went straight to our own favorite man for the job (after Xavi) and snagged the perfect manager for this team right now:
                   Quique Setien....the man we've been calling for (along with Xavi) for 3 years....and it all felt too surreal.
                   This board doing something we've wanted??? 
                   Something that we've begged for??? 
                   Something we've straight up demanded time and time and time again, but now of all the times to do this, it happens??
                    Valverde is actually gone??? 
          2020 won't have another UCL comeback collapse????
                    The Wicked Witch has flown away on his broomstick, crashing in a heap of hell somewhere over the English channel, begging for Luton Town to hire him.
                     And now here we are....without any hesitation, without a bit of trepidation, I'm proudly here to inform you that regardless of the board we're stuck with until 2022, no matter how badly Ernie psychologically disturbed our players, Barcelona are back.
                     As many have said, this goes beyond results, beyond stats, further than the final horizon of trophies: this is about identity, principles, fun, teamwork, camaraderie and, above all....
entertainment.
                     The Setien hiring is the perfect antidote to the illnesses within the structure of Barcelona, as this isn't merely a one man presence of rejuvenation: Setien brings with him an entire staff of hungry young tactically positive / aggressive students of the game, none other than his main assistant Eder Sarabia. Sarabia is an intense bloodhound who's going to inspire and challenge these veteran Barca players in the way their recent carelessness demanded.
                       Setien and his staff may not have titles in his trophy cabinet, but neither did Luis Enrique, Pep Guardiola or Johann Cruyff when they took charge. And while Setien isn't a Barca insider, this situation is the last thing requiring anymore Barcelona politics.
                        What we need is an equalizing force that brings Barca back from the hole it was in. Setien will be calm, not a faux-calm like Valverde where he's staring around like he doesn't give a damn while he's secretly shitting himself. Quique is a man of truth, a man of communication and a firm believer in the possibilities of spectacle on the pitch.
                         Quique will bring back the high-tempo, in-your-face, balls-to-the-wall / high octane madness of the heights from yesteryear...and perhaps beyond: his hiring will speed up the slow passing, clean up the mistrust within the squad by working with all of them together again as a manager: communicating with them, getting on the ball himself and laughing with the players, having a fun time while also addressing the issues at the core of this squad.
                       Now as we look at the entire picture, the only issue within the squad was Ernesto Valverde.
                        With Valverde jettisoned into space about now, we will witness a reinvigorated squad licking their chops, unable to wait for the carnal punishment they'll undoubtedly hand out to any and all opponents in their path.
                        Setien will finally utilize this dream squad in the manner it's meant to be used, with streaking fullbacks pinning the opposition deep, an artistic, calculating midfield, an imposing forward line that can finally flourish with Lionel Messi, Antoine Griezmann and either Ousmane Dembele or Ansu Fati in their best roles up top.
                        As long as Ernesto Valverde was in charge, players like Nelson Semedo, Arthur Melo, Frenkie De Jong, Samuel Umtiti, Riqui Puig, Carles Alena, Junior Firpo, and Ousmane Dembele were never going to succeed. Under Quique Setien, we're going to see the Ousmane Dembele we've been missing under the hampering deluge of Valverde's disloyalty and embarrassing lack of commitment toward the player.
                       With La Liga action resuming this Sunday in Quique Setien's first match as Barcelona manager against Granada, the former Betis master has a big chance to send a statement of intent to the rest of European football: Barcelona aren't mucking about anymore...
                        Since Setien is a firm, committed attacking football obsessive, this new Barca will play with a much higher impetus and thrust as a whole, pushing and pulling teams in and out of position with each pass.
                        There may be uncertainty as to whether Setien will use his usual back three or four but he won't be so blatantly obvious as Valverde's "tactics" were.
                          Most likely he'll stick with Barca's 4-3-3 with Busquets doing what he's always done: dropping deep to collect possession and slotting in between either center back as both fullbacks (not just Alba) push high and the World Cup winning pivote (one of former ball-artist Setien's favorite players) can distribute without being tied down in nonstop midfield combat
                         No more away matches bordering on profligate "Nowhere Man" possession and a counter-attacking onslaught from the opponent, completely keeping a team with Lionel Messi, Luis Suarez, Frenkie De Jong, Sergi Busquets, Ousmane Dembele, Jordi Alba, Gerard Pique and Marc-Andre Ter Stegen at goalkeeper under siege for a painful 90 minutes of viewing.
                       The punishment of viewing Ernesto Mourinho's Barcatenaccio was payback from the football gods for possessing the greatest team on earth in 2009, 2011 and 2015 with three different front 3's, the three greatest midfielders of all time in one midfield, and the best player of all time Lionel Messi throughout it all...#10 seemingly untouchable, untroubled and unmistakeable in the biggest of moments on the brightest of stages.

"Get out of my chair you little shit!"

                        But under Setien, the Great Release is Ny at Hand...the Great Barcelona Orgasm of 2020 is about to happen, and if you want to follow continuing, in depth coverage and analysis that others can't touch, can't imagine and won't dare let you in on, stick right here.
                        This is gonna be fun....

by
LONN PHILLIPS SULLIVAN
Copyright Uninterrupted Writings Inc. 2020