The Delirium Trigger: Stats from Beneath the Maniacal Orbit

THE CRAZIEST STATS OF THE WEEKEND
THE MOST BIZARRE NUMERICAL TALLIES
THE BEST OF THE SURREAL 
....AND A WHOLE LOTTA LIONEL F**KIN MESSI

- Barcelona forwards Lionel Messi & Luis Suarez were rampant once again vs Levante, getting revenge against the team that ruined their undefeated quest in last season's La Liga campaign (with only 1 more match after that defeat left).
   Messi and Suarez have now combined for 25 goals in La Liga this season, with the entire clubs of both Atletico and Real Madrid only having scored 24 goals on the season so far....Insanely and criminally, somehow Suarez even missed another Messi chance laid up for him on a platter late in the Levante match on Sunday, ruining what would've been Messi's first ever double hat trick (3 goals and 3 assists in one match, how about that for a double layer of statage???)
truly stunning...the two of them have 1 more than Atletico and Real Madrid who've met twice in the previous 5 UCL finals...
OHHHHHH Lionel fuckin Messi!!!

- The Baltimore Ravens became the first team since the 1976 Pittsburgh Steelers to rush for 190+ yards in 5 straight games

1st Alex....love at first 70 million dollars guaranteed sight...and then

- The Washington Redskins have had 4 different starting quarterbacks in their last 5 games.

the young Texas gunslinger who rose to prominence and...oh wait...oh shit...not again....why does this always happen to Colt McCoy? Who the hell is left? Joe Theismann? Call Joe Thiesmann?!

Mr. Buttfumble himself??! OHHHH SHIT

And then RGIII's stepson took the reigns in Washington to lead the Redskins to a victory over the Jaguars, 16-13. The Redskins are still alive in the playoff hunt at 7-7, incredibly.

- LA Chargers quarterback Phillip Rivers has more children than he does playoff victories (9 to 4)

- With their loss to the Pittsburgh Steelers at Heinz Field, the New England Patriots have lost 5 games on the road this season. Are the Patriots losing their consistency? Their grit? Is it all slipping for Belichick and Brady? Is Robert Kraft colluding with Donald Trump and Russia? Deep questions....deep questions indeed...



- Who is the 3rd highest scorer in European leagues since 2017, behind Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo?
   WOULD YOU GUESS..............




   
 CIRO IMMOBILE??

The maligned Italian never gets a look or a break, but continues to finish and create for his teammates, with multiple hat tricks of goals and a hat trick of assists in this season and last combined, he has 62 goals and 17 assists all competitions for Lazio since January 2017.



- In Laurent Koscielny's first match of the season for Arsenal in the Europa League on Thursday (his

first since his horror knee injury that knocked him out of the 2018 World Cup for France): vs Qarabag 62 passes attempted, 62 completed, 100% accuracy.

- With his Vikings' victory over the Miami Dolphins, Minnesota Vikings quarterback and former Washington Redskins Jesusfreak, Kirk Cousins is 5-24 against opponents above .500 winning percentage (and the Dolphins were only a 7-6 team when they met Minnesota on Sunday, they weren't a juggernaut).

- Barcelona defender Gerard Pique has a bizarre, but awesome 5 goals and 1 assist, truly stunning numbers for a defender in European futbol a mere 3 months into the season, but what's shocking is this: Pique has 3 goals and 1 assist in his last 8 matches for Barcelona, meanwhile all-world attacking masters like Coutinho and Luis Suarez combined only have 5 goals and 1 assist in that span. Pique the new replacement for Suarez if Suarez gets hurt again?

- According to OptaJose of OptaJoe and confirmed by myself, Lionel Messi is the first player in the 2018/19 European futbol season to reach double figures in goals (14 for Barcelona) and assists (OptaJose said 10, but that number is just in La Liga, it's actually 12 overall for Barcelona). And yes, we just keep going with this guy...


-Liverpool played and beat Manchester United this weekend (3-1 with 2 late, deflected goals from Shaqiri off of the bench, but Liverpool deserved the victory) and with Liverpool top in the EPL (until Manchester City won the day before), it's been 28 years, 8 months and 29 days since Liverpool faced United ranked highest in the Premier League table (which they retained after beating United).
- in Liverpool's dominant 3-1 victory over United, every single outfield Liverpool player took a shot at goal, truly stunning proof of Liverpool's dominance


- The Cowboys lost 23-0 to the Indianapolis Colts in a true ass-whooping of inhumane proportions, but this was more: this was their first shutout loss since 2003..we're talking 3 years before the "Super Bowl ready" farce that was Tony Romo....

- Barcelona forward and full-time Jesus, Lionel Messi, has become the first player to score 50 goals in the calendar year of 2018, yet he was 5th best according to the Ballon D'or award voting results. Complete idiots? Wanting to give it to someone else deserving (Luka Modric won)?? Who the hell knows, but if you're going to have a "Best Player In the World" type award, well...you give it to the best goddamn player in the world!

- If Redskins quarterback Alex Smith cannot return from his multiple leg injuries and their infections and resulting dangerous surgeries, team owner Dan Snyder will have a hard time getting another good quarterback while also keeping huge pieces and weapons across the offensive and defensive front (this team is 35% healthy, down to a quarterback they found smoking a blunt behind the equipment shed and they're still 7-7). The team's salary cap would have 13% swallowed up from the Alex Smith contract payments and tack on another 15% from the NFL penalties for the front-loading of contracts, something they suffered before under owner Dan Snyder

(who had given Alex Smith a 70 million dollar guaranteed, 90 million dollar contract). The Skins would have to eat 25% of their salary cap in the next two seasons, killing their chances of going and getting a top class quarterback while the one they bought may never play, or walk comfortably again and is frankly lucky to be alive.
(thanks to Adam Schefter's inside knowledge of the Alex Smith situation)
A Truly terrifying situation for Alex Smith and for any Redskins fan.